the816

Better

Me: “So what would you call an Arnold Palmer with vodka in it?”

@adamseitz: “Better.”

Hurricane Earl

• …needs you to follow him down to the Dairy Queen and jump-start his truck.
• …just pissed all over your toilet seat and tried to blame it on the dog.
• …could use a couple of bucks, just until Thursday.
• …sent bestiality porn to your work email.
• …suggests that we kill them all and let god sort them out.
• …has had it up to here with the liberal media conspiracy.

People Who Just Made The List

• The woman at the next table who used the word “celebs” without any trace of sarcasm.
• All people over 15 who are still struggling with you’re/your.
• The agency responsible for Quiznos ads.
• Guy Fieri

How Good This BBQ Sauce Is

• It’s so good that Pitchfork gave it an unprecedented 9.9.
• If the last drop of this sauce landed on Hitler’s butt, I’d lick it off.
• This sauce dated Pamela Anderson, back when that meant something.
• This sauce would eat itself if it weren’t for the metaphysical ramifications.

Stock Responses to Common Greetings

“What’s up?”

• The slow, grinding monotony of a life wasted in perpetual mediocrity. What’s up with you?
• Woah. Settle down, Jack Bauer. You want to let me finish my coffee before you start this interrogation?
• I can’t feel my toes. I CAN’T FEEL MY TOES!
• What? Do you not follow me on Twitter?