February 2010
6 posts
1 tag
Sarcastic Analogies I Will Now Be Using
As subtle as a Glee episode
As elegant as a manatee, or as they are commonly called, “sea cow”
As efficient as Tolstoy
As convenient as a prom conception
As easy as Super Mario Brothers World 8-2
January 2010
24 posts
Precedent
I’ve set a horrible precedent with my dog, Sophie. She slipped down the staircase once and has been deathly afraid of it since. At first I felt sorry for her and spent some time taking her step by step up and down the stairs, trying to get her over her fear.
That didn’t help much, she still refuses to climb the stairs. Instead, when she feels the need to go upstairs, she will sit at...
The Reviews are In
I’ve been receiving a lot of positive feedback about this blog. I thought I’d share with you some of the reviews.
“So, you have time to blog but you don’t have time to call your mother? I carried you in my uterus for 9 and a half months! And this is how you treat me?” - Chris’ Mom
“You know your site looks all messed up on an iPhone, right?” -...
What's the Worst that Could Happen?
This is never a comforting phrase to hear when considering whether or not to take a risk. To save you some time, I’ve compiled a short list of the worst things that could happen. I hope it helps you decide whether or not you want to do that thing you are thinking about doing.
You will die poor and alone in New Jersey.
It will turn out that she’s not into clowns and you will have...
1 tag
A Short List of Things I Want
There is that classic question, “What would you do if you won the lottery?” My answer, tonight anyway, is to keep everything the same, but to buy the following:
A Computer The Dell I bought circa 2003 died some time ago and it’s been sitting under my desk like some elaborate desk-weighting device. I’ve tried to fix it, trust me I have. But it’s gone, forever. I need...
1 tag
A Comprehensive List of My Insecurities
My kitchen does not have granite countertops nor an undermount sink. This makes me feel like a failure.
I like to give my dogs peanut butter. I then laugh hysterically as they try to lick it all away. I fear this behavior will have a karma-based retribution.
I enjoy wearing flannel, but I worry that it makes me look like the Brawny paper towel man.
I wish I had an accent. That would be...
Rejection Letter
Dear Colleague,
Thank you for your recent request to play FarmVille. Regretfully, I must decline your offer at this time. Due to the high volume of Facebook requests I receive, worthwhile and valuable requests such as yours must be rejected.
The opportunity to earn fictional money used to buy virtual livestock was very tempting. I am sure the game is as “totally addictive” as you...
A Blingee Triptych
A harrowing exploration of the artist’s perception of love, loss and suffering.
Codependent Shampoo Directions
Directions: Wet hair and apply shampoo. Work into a rich lather. Or don’t, I know you hate it when I tell you what to do. I’m just saying that, if you want the best results, you should wet your hair and work the shampoo into a rich lather. But really, who am I kidding? My lather isn’t rich. God, I am just so damned non-rich. I don’t know how you put up with me.
Oh no, are...
Less Popular Video Game Franchises
Misdemeanor Shoplifting: Mall City
Tony Hawk’s Super Math Challenge
Call of Duty: Fourth Deployment to Iraq
Super Mario Batali’s Sit Down and Catch Your Breath
Madden NFL 10: Licensing Negotiations
Practical Eroticism
Oh yeah, girl. I see you checking me out from across the room. You’re thinking I would make a suitable mate for an undetermined amount of time. That’s right, sweet thing, I am totally suitable.
As you could tell from my button-down shirt and sweater combination, I am currently employed. I think you know what that means, sweetness. That’s right, a certain degree of financial...
WatchRemember those hundreds of things I want to be good at? The top of that list right now is Processing. I’m just getting started but I’m already hooked. I seriously want to lock myself in a mountain cabin and just learn it inside and out.
This is just a superquick experiment. It takes the camera input and creates an image based on the color and brightness of what’s on camera.
Neurosis du Jour
At the start of every school year, our teachers would pass out new textbooks. The very first thing I would do with this book is turn to the final chapter. Then I would immediately start freaking out about how none of it made sense. “I’ll never learn this! I don’t even know what these words mean! Multiplying fractions? Is that even possible?!”
I would get home and inform my...
Public Apology
The following is an unfortunately true list of stupid things I’ve said in the last week that I would have to publicly apologize for if I was a U.S. senator.
“There are so many bands that wouldn’t be as successful if they didn’t have an attractive girl singer.”
Flipping channels, landing on Hoarders: “Look honey, it’s that show about people like...
1 tag
Animated Shows Seth MacFarlane is Currently...
American Family Dad (feat. Cleveland)
Here’s Klaus!
Stewie n’ Roger in the Castro
¡Individuo de la Familia! (en Español)
The Giggity-Giggity Gang
[Untitled Seth MacFarlane/Jay Leno Project]
More Paychecks, Please!
1 tag
Let's Spin Off Some Television Shows
Free Credit Report Dot Con!
Join the band from the FreeCreditReport.com commercials each week as they hunt down escaped convicts and bring them to justice! Each episode ends with the band playing an entertaining and educational song that will help you understand your credit score.
Cooking with Keyboard Cat
Trying to loose those extra holiday pounds? Keyboard Cat teaches you low-carb and high...
1 tag
A Brief List of People I Think Would Smell Nice
Tom Hanks
Jenna Fischer
All members of Pavement, but not Stephen Malkmus
Barbara Boxer (D - CA)
Most Canadians
The Omaha Zoo →
New cocktail: “Omaha Zoo” Check it: 1/2 shot gold rum, 1/2 shot vodka, 1/2 shot Trip Sec, 2 shots beer, 2 shots OJ. Serve in collins glass.
I’ve read that the Twitter “favorites” feature was initially designed as a way to bookmark tweets so that a person could easily find them later. Instead, “favorites” quickly became an out-of-control online...
An Erotic Love Letter Composed Entirely of Creed...
My love,
I lie awake on a long, dark night. Just when fear blinded me you taught me to dream, you’re my daily dose of reality. Under the microscope of life, I’ll show you everything…oh yeah. What makes you touch? What makes you feel? What makes you unclean? With candy canes and French braids, I’ve seen the wicked fruit of your vine. Please come now, I think I’m...
An Open Letter to Indian Food
Dear Indian Food,
I am writing in reference to our meeting earlier today at Taj Mahal restaurant in Kansas City, Missouri. The entire organization appreciates your efforts in satiating hunger, but concerns have arisen that we need to address.
As we have discussed on several occasions, your delicious and affordable options have proved vital in these challenging economic times. No one can argue...