February 2011
7 posts
1 tag
1 tag
Concepts We Need to Create Words For
Coworkers with whom you’ve worked for several months and see daily, but never properly introduced yourself to.
When someone is speaking, you turn to a friend and make a face as to say “What the fuck is he talking about?” and you do not receive the “I know! Right?” response-look that you were expecting.
Feeling guilty about coming to like something you had...
January 2011
21 posts
1 tag
1 tag
More Accurate Versions of My Job Title
Amateur Facebook Status Commenter
Lunch Evangelist
iTunes Playlist Coordinator
Senior Meeting Disruptor
Head of Caffeine Imports
Rage Containment Specialist
Fun fact: I’m listed on a few Addy Award entries as the Vice President of Awesomeness, which is what I hacked my company intranet profile page to say. I’m really hoping we win those.
1 tag
Back To Work
I’ve really been enjoying the Back to Work podcast by Merlin Mann and Dan Benjamin.
My favorite part was when Merlin was like…
And then Dan was all like…
“Oh Susana” - Chris and Grady’s...
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Top Ten Cities for Posting Lists of Spuriously...
We here at The816 are on the cutting edge of internet publishing trends. We know that people love finding out where their city ranks based on an arbitrary list created from statistically insignificant data. We also know that you will post links to this page. “Can you believe that we’re only number five?” your tweet might say. The pageviews will start rolling in and we will become...
1 tag
Bored
I instinctually stop myself before announcing that I’m bored. When I was a kid, saying the word “bored” always resulted in getting a job to do. “You’re bored? Well, the lawn needs mowing.” I would then whine and pout and eventually mow the lawn. Mowing wasn’t a boredom solution. Far from it. I was just transmuting my boredom from sitting on a couch to...
“For me. It went on too long. The first two birds were amusing, and a bit funny....”
– Angry Internet Commenter Who Totally Nailed It
1 tag
More Clever Names For Your Pawn Shop-based...
Pawnography
Interracial Pawn
Pawn Site
Barely Legal Pawn
Pawn and Porn are Similar Words!
2 tags
WatchAngry Birds - Letters From the Front Lines: A Ken Burns-style documentary film.
In case you were wondering, no, I am not a professional voice actor. And yes, all Angry Birds have dopey southern accents.
1 tag
Angry Birds - Letters From the Front Lines
Dearest Martha,
It has been some time since I’ve had the opportunity to write you, perhaps seven or eight levels. The green pigs have fortified their defenses and there seems to be no end to this madness. They are an industrious lot who have remarkable construction skills in spite of their lack of arms or legs. They’re a formidable enemy but I still envision the day we can bring our...
1 tag
WatchIf you ever notice me in a grocery store, giggling in the cheese aisle, this is why.
South Countryside Neighborhood Association Memo
I think we can all agree that diversity is one of the things that makes our neighborhood special. We have welcomed people of all races and creeds into our twelve-block area of central Kansas City. While diversity is key, some challenging personal choices made by some of our neighbors have pushed the limits of reasonable tolerance. I’m sure you are well aware that I am speaking of our wind...
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What Those Email Headers Actually Mean
Having trouble viewing this email? Click here to view it online because our insistence on sending you image-heavy marketing messages is dangerously misguided and compulsive.
Having trouble viewing this email? Well, it’s probably because every email client ruins HTML emails in their own unique and special way.
Having trouble viewing this email? Then there’s obviously something wrong...
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My Favorite Television Shows, Vaguely Described
The one where they show you how they make things, like brooms.
The cooking show where someone cries at the end.
The funny animated one they show on Fox every Sunday.
The one where they do things to a house.
That new show on FX that’s really good.
OnTapKC.com
What a great idea for a website. OnTapKC answers that all-important question, “Who’s serving that beer I like?” I can see this coming in really handy.
Scenes From a Movie About My Hotel Room
Exterior. Shortly after sunrise at the site of a half-completed hotel in the northern New Mexico mountains. A construction WORKER approaches the FOREMAN, a short, stocky man. WORKER lifts a crate of shower heads.
WORKER: Boss! What height should we install the shower heads for these rooms?
FOREMAN pauses to consider the question.
DISSOLVE TO FLASHBACK
FOREMAN’S WIFE: I’m leaving...