The816

The final home for this table will be behind the toilet in our bathroom. So rather than post pictures of my bathroom on the internet, I thought I’d take some photos of this one outside. You’re welcome.

The top was constructed exactly like I did my desk. The process is really simple and I love the look of it. Oh, and it’s a helluva lot cheaper than buying big slabs of oak. I would imagine, I actually have no idea. I did not major in Wood Pricing. Get off my back! Geez.

The legs are made from balusters that were part of the staircase that we removed when we renovated our house. None of them were long enough by themselves, so each leg is made of three laminated pieces. I think it’s a cool look. If you didn’t know any better, you might think that I planned it this way. But no, I just wanted to use up that wood. Now it’s used up. Take that, wood.

So now we have a table in the bathroom for candles, vases, a thesaurus, guns, or whatever! It’ll also function as a place to set your beer while you pee.

• Less than ten concert posters: I really enjoy this band.
• More than ten concert posters: I am in this band.
• Anne Geddes poster of a baby dressed as a flower: I have ten more posters like this in my very pink bedroom.
• Star Wars Action Figures: Uh, no idiot. Those are Star Trek action figures. I don’t even think I want to fix your computer now.
• Liquor Bottles: I’ve reached a comfortable place with my alcoholism.
• Successories Motivational Poster: I am completely unqualified to lead people.
• Simpsons Figurines: I think the series peaked with season 8 but I think seasons 12 and 15 had some highlights and I would like to talk about them at length.

I had been using the same $60 Best Buy particle board computer desk for the last decade. Since I spend way too many waking hours at my desk, I figured it was time to make myself a new one. I really liked this desk that I saw on Etsy and wanted to create something with the same industrial-ish look. So here’s what I came up with:

Here’s how it came together!

The main materials are just 3/4” MDF, hardwood oak flooring and fence post tubing. Pro tip: Swallow your pride and let someone help you load 4’x8’ sheets of MDF. Your back will thank you. Ow.

The first step was to cut the MDF to size and then create a hardwood floor on top of it. I don’t have an actual flooring nailer, so I just used my brad nailer and nailed through the tongue on the floor boards. It actually worked out pretty well. Each board is also glued in place. These suckers will not be going anywhere.

When all the flooring was in place, I trimmed off all the excess. It’s starting to look like a desk! Or a very tiny dance floor.

To conceal those ugly edges, I ripped some longer floor boards and used them to trim the desktop.

I created the upper desktop using the same method. I arranged the boards for the top in the opposite direction to create a cool visual effect. I spent a ton of time sanding these. After tearing through a billion sheets of sandpaper, it’s as smooth as one continuous piece of wood. It would be amazingly irritating to be able to feel any seams or joints, especially when trying to use a mouse.

The feet for the upper desktop were created from a stair railing that we took out of the house when we did the renovation. It’s been sitting in my garage for five years and I finally managed to find a good use for it.

The metal tube base was really easy. I cut the pipes to size and fitted them together with Kee Klamps. Each of the joints are secured with a set screw, so the desk can easy be broken down to move.

From there it was just a matter of stain, polyurethane and other finishing touches. I’m really happy with how it turned out. I’m currently working on a small table using this same technique. It was a good excuse to use up the leftover hardwood and, well, I just really like making things.

Thanks to my friend Tim of Round Tree Design for the consultation and tips!

• Promise to buy a Dodge Ram and watch the Daily Show without commercial interruption.
• Eat Doritos to skip Doritos commercials.
• Listen to a 30-minute lecture about Outback Steakhouse and never see an ad again as long as you live.
• Sacrifice a goat to Geico and watch any episode of Community.
• Name your firstborn “Taco Bell” for a one-year free subscription to Hulu Plus.

Home Office

If I have to be tied to a computer tonight, it might as well be with MST3K, my faithful dog and a delicious beverage.

Thanks to the lovely people at the AAFKC, I got to hear Bob Hoffman speak last night. Bob might be better known as The Ad Contrarian. He’s something of a high priest to chronically cynical people like myself. No one can call people out on their bullshit quite like this guy, and the ad business is packed tight with epic amounts of it.

This is such an crazy business that it’s really nice to be reminded by a guy like Bob that I might not actually be going insane. So if you’re an ad agency creative who is flirting with a nervous breakdown, you should really read his blog.

• I don’t really get the joke but I want other people to think that I am smart enough to get the joke.
• I instinctually “like” anything with a cat in it.
• This person is obviously having a bad day, this is my way of helping!
• Accidentally hit the star icon, meant to hit the un-follow icon.
• I just want to feel something. Anything.
• I guess I’m just not tired of Sarah Palin jokes yet.
• It took a lot of courage to make that your profile picture.

• Apple can delete any Abba MP3s at any time for any reason.
• Apple reserves the right to report all listening data to your mother.
• Legally, you can only use iTunes on Thursdays.
• iTunes Genius may make disparaging remarks about your poor taste.
• Apple does not have to refund the cost of Creed albums you purchased while drunk.

If you’re having one of those weeks, you might be tempted to ask, “How could this week possibly get even more messed up?” If you have my luck, the universe will accept this challenge and ramp up the weirdness.

My morning started out rather well. It took a weird turn when I took my dogs outside for our morning walk. There was an incredibly confused kid getting out of my car. It took me at least ten seconds to process what the hell was going on, then I snapped into bad-ass mode, while I had two adorable little dogs in tow on pink and purple leashes. (Season bought the leashes, that wasn’t my call.)

“Who the fuck are you? What are you doing?”

“What? Where am I? I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW!”

I managed to wrangle the dogs back into the house and head back outside to deal with the reason I would not have time to make a healthy and delicious breakfast.

This kid is about 21, has no shoes and his belt is undone. He’s freezing his ass off and insists he has no idea where he is. A woman drives by and starts yelling at him. I’m hoping that it’s his mother and she can cart him away and I can continue with my life. It’s not. The woman says this kid has been walking up and down the street knocking on doors. She can’t deal with it because she’s taking her kids to school.

By this time my neighbor had come out to see what was up. I catch her up on what’s going on. Since she’s much more intelligent and rational than I am, she calls the police. What happens next is about 30 minutes of uncomfortable silence while me, my neighbor and a barely coherent kid wait for the police to take him away. The kid has no idea what happened, he was at Mike’s (55th & Troost) and that’s the last thing he remembers. He managed to lose his shoes, keys and his phone. And the cherry on top of this bizarre cake, it turns out he’s a medical student.

The cops show up and do what cops do in a situation like this, I guess. They take walk him to their car, my neighbor and I laugh about the whole thing and go about our days.

So thanks, random kid, for drooling all over my car. I don’t know what liquid it was that you left on the floor mat, but let’s pretend that was drool also.

How could this week get even more messed up? Your move, universe.