The816

Well hello there!

The816 is the blog of Chris Riebschlager. He's a web developer, Kansas City resident and writer of funny lists.

Proposed Names For My Upcoming My Morning Jacket Cover Band

  • My Evening Sweater
  • His Midnight Pants
  • Our Midday Tank Top
  • Her 3 a.m. Hat
  • Your Lunchtime Shoes

How to Tell the Difference Between Alligators and Crocodiles

  • Alligators call elevators “lifts”
  • Crocodiles are almost always drunk
  • Alligators smell vaguely like Drakkar Noir
  • Most crocodiles have liberal arts degrees
  • Female alligators are bigger and sassier than the males
  • Crocodiles have a false sense of entitlement
  • Alligators put ketchup on everything

"It took me until my 40s to realize it: There’s no destination. There’s no getting anywhere. There’s just the going. The key to life is to make the going really fun. Because people that are like, “If I just get to this, then boom!” And then they get there and there’s this dawning of an afterwards. Whereas I’m just always in the going. And it’s not a frantic going like, “I gotta keep going or I’m gonna go nuts!” I can not do anything for weeks or months if I need to and just sit and read books or watch movies. I’m just as fine consuming and absorbing new art as I am trying to make it. But it’s all in the going."
— Patton Oswalt
This is why we can’t have nice couches.
Full Size »

This is why we can’t have nice couches.

GPOYDABT (Gratuitous Picture of Yourself Driving a Boat Thursday) (This will be difficult to repeat every week.)

GPOYDABT

(Gratuitous Picture of Yourself Driving a Boat Thursday)

(This will be difficult to repeat every week.)

Alternative Themes for This Year’s TEDxKC Conference

  • Midwest iPad Owners Meetup
  • The One Guy in the Back Will Laugh Loudly to Let You Know He Really Understands That Joke
  • The People Speaking Today Have Done More With Their Lives Than You Ever Will, You Sad Sack of Crap
  • The Night Barnes & Noble was Severely Short-Staffed
  • Communiversity: Group Nodding and Muttered Verbal Approval

Where Brands of Beer Are Most Likely to be Found as Litter

  • Keystone Light - Trailer parks, state fairgrounds, survivalist compounds
  • Bud Light Lime - The Gulf of Mexico
  • Stella Artois - Liberal arts colleges, unemployed BFA graduate’s apartments
  • Pabst Blue Ribbon - Music festivals, newly gentrified urban neighborhoods
  • Michelob Ultra - Health club parking lots, yoga studios
  • Coors Light - Colorado highway ditches

Least Popular Glade Plugins

  • Essence of Newark
  • Locker Room Mist
  • Limburger Breeze
  • Coffee Breath
  • Paper Mill Valley
  • Expired Medication Medley

Generational Differences

  • Saw “Clerks” in a theater. / Saw “Clerks” playing on a TV at a 90s theme party.
  • Purchased “Nevermind” on cassette. / Has no idea Dave Grohl was in a band before Foo Fighters.
  • “Killed the music industry” by home taping. / “Killed the music industry” by downloading.
  • Played with a band in the garage. / Played with GarageBand.
  • Could still tell you the 10-digit phone numbers of their five closest friends. / Has never dialed a phone.
  • Has parents who remember the Vietnam war / Has parents who remember Seinfeld.
  • Owned at least a dozen flannel shirts / Owns a dozen American Apparel v-neck t-shirts.

The Nine Circles of Internet Hell

  1. People who posted photos of nearly every meal to Flickr
  2. Those who never got the hang of your/you’re
  3. Tea Party email-forwarding relatives
  4. Anyone who ever posted a “FIRST!!!” comment
  5. People who illegally downloaded Metallica albums
  6. Facebook over-sharers
  7. Employees of LowerMyBills.com
  8. Social Media Ninjas and SEO Gurus
  9. 4chan