The816

Problems I Have With This Jameson’s Commercial

Why was any Irish man in 1781 transporting Irish whiskey out of Ireland? You’re trying to tell me that domestic demand was not strong enough to sustain Mr. Jameson’s liquor venture?
Both alcohol and wood have a lower specific gravity than sea water. That means a wooden barrel and its alcoholic contents would float if flung overboard, not sink.
Giant squid (genus: Architeuthis) are known to only inhabit sea depths that would cause Arterial Gas Embolism in humans.
Upon Mr. Jameson’s triumphant return, he is shown carrying a barrel of whiskey on his shoulder. With a full barrel weighing nearly 500 pounds, I seriously doubt anyone of that stature would be able to hoist that weight with such apparent ease.

Other Presidential Sports Injuries

Theodore Roosevelt - Sustained a mild concussion during a boxing match with a bear.
William Howard Taft - Fell through ice while skating.
Franklin D. Roosevelt - Broke arm after attempting a 720 wheelchair kickflip.
Jimmy Carter - Tennis malaise.
George W. Bush - Choked on a pretzel while watching televised sports.

Never make a left turn on a Tuesday.
The people in black cars are C.I.A. agents who were sent to kill you.
Red traffic lights will only turn green if you run your windshield wipers for exactly 27 seconds.
If one of your personalities has been drinking, ask one of your sober personalities to drive.
Share the road with bicyclists, don’t anger Romo the two-wheeled fire god.
Always check for trains. They’re everywhere.
Don’t drive distracted. Tell the voices that you will obey their commands after safely pulling off to the side of the road.
The stop signs think that you are a bad person.
Never leave valuable items in your car. Take those chicken bones and bits of scotch tape with you!

Talk with other passengers about how awesome being white is.
Write and produce live theater performances of Love Boat episodes.
Shuffleboard orgy.
Hold an election to decide who to eat first.
Sell the story of your heroic plight to a Hollywood film studio.
Keep an eye out for Somali pirates.
Grab a mojito and lay out in the sun you overprivileged, ungrateful, whining piece of shit.

Denial - “I’m going to wake up early tomorrow so that I can make myself a healthy and affordable lunch!”
Anger - “Dammit. I can’t believe I slept in again!”
Bargaining - “I have no time for lunch, I’ll just run to Jimmy John’s. I’ll get the vegetarian sandwich. That’s healthy, right?”
Depression - “I can’t believe I ate that entire thing. I feel like I just ingested a pound of sawdust. I HATE MY LIFE.”
Acceptance - “Ok. I’m going to wake up early tomorrow so that I can make myself a healthy and affordable lunch.”

Q. Why was the blonde staring at the frozen orange juice container?
A. The container brought to mind the Sunday breakfasts with her mother in the days before she took her life.
Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Margot preferred darkness.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The nicotine-stained keys and dried tears.
Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. She was overtaken with despair. No one was awaiting her arrival.